I’m publishing this mostly for my own sake. Sometimes it pays to advocate for oneself, and to ask for clarification, rather than to bite one’s tongue and bear a burden one should not have to bear.

[amandaw]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:05 PM
To: [husband]
i’m waffling.
i only have enough meds to last today, if they won’t refill today.

i’m going to call in a bit. afaik nursing comes back at 1 from lunch. (if it’s 2 instead, i’m screwed)

i’m just… discouraged, i guess would be the word. over all these years, i’ve had to work hard to really understand how my body works, and how to work with it. and my reading of my body right now is, “even weighted for everything i’ve done the past couple weeks, this is still an unsustainable level of work.” and you should know i am very, very scared when i run counter to that kind of reading. because doing that has led me into some pretty damn bad physical times in the past.

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[husband]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:10 PM
To: [amandaw]
i dunno. i think you have to put a loooot of weight on the past week. you did more walking and were on your feet more in the past week than you probably did in the six months before that put together! i think the mistake was just not taking a couple days off after our vacation (and also me pushing you too hard on vacation). i’m wondering how a couple day next week at home doing nothing but resting would treat you in regards to this job (although certainly keep looking for something better. and really should make known your concerns to your supervisor…)

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[amandaw]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:15 PM
To: [husband]
but this is more hours than a sustainable level of hours at [Large National Retail Camera Shop], where i could sit every time i needed, which could be over half my shift sometimes, and certainly at least a good fraction of it. and where i could run and take my medicine almost every time i needed it (excepting christmas [when my manage left the store criminally understaffed, leaving us all to pick up the slack). even accounting for the lack of breaks at [LNRCS]. i really don’t know if this is something i can keep up long term.

[doctor]’s line is busy… if i can’t get my refill before my shift tomorrow (1230-9) i won’t be able to work it — period — or any other until i get that refill. keep in mind that was a thirty-day supply dispensed 6/14. there is a high chance they won’t refill without me being seen. which i would agree to handily because i would need some reassessment.

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[amandaw]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:16 PM
To: [husband]
and my matt, i know you are trying to give me a reality check, and i do appreciate it. but consider that maybe this is also pushing me too hard. :\

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[husband]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:16 PM
To: [amandaw]
nod

i really hate to say this, but if you just plain stop working, it makes things a little tough right now. :-\ is why i’m really hoping you get a nice cushy office desk job!

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[husband]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:19 PM
To: [amandaw]
oh, i’m not even trying to do the reality check thing this time. am kind of tryin to encourage you, actually. you did a lot the past week, and i don’t want you to think that the way you are feeling now is a sign of weakness or manda’s-not-able-ness. you haven’t regressed is all i’m tryin to get at. [Large National Retail Location's Cafe] may still be too much for you, but it’s not cause you’ve gone backwards. it’s cause [LNRLC] is too far forwards.

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[amandaw]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:20 PM
To: [husband]
yeah, i know about the financial considerations. ahem. i am also counting on that cushy desk job. and i really do need to look hard at other jobs. (obviously the past few days haven’t exactly been conducive to that)

they did print the script so i need to pick it up, take it to target and get it refilled today or tomorrow morning.

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[amandaw]
Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 1:21 PM
To: [husband]
thank you. that really does mean a lot to me. (like, there are tears in my eyes right now.)

i’m not really focusing too much on “i’m too weak” at this point. i’m focusing on “don’t create more pain than i can handle.” if that makes sense. i can’t get to the former until after the latter is taken care of either way ;p