Disabled sex, folks. It’s time.

This is an official request for your anonymous contribution.

I am working on a post about ableism in “liberated” sexual culture (including feminism, but not limited to it). And I really think there is no better way to illustrate this than with real words, real experience.

Do you have, or have you had, a disability (or, if you do not identify as disabled, do you have a condition which results in some sort of mental or physical impairment)? If so: Tell me about your experience in the bedroom.

Specifically, I am looking for ways your sex life differs from the “liberated” construct. I want to hear how your disability affects your sex life, in negative ways, in positive ways, and in ways that go beyond that dichotomy.

I want to make clear that “sex,” here, should be interpreted in the broadest possible way. Sex with or without partner(s). Het or queer. Any sexual bits included, any sexual act, no matter how long, short, light, heavy, simple or complex. If you think of it as sexual, then yes, it “counts.”

Some questions to start your thought process:

• What difficulties do you face?
  Is there anything you are prevented from doing, or prevented from doing “normally”?
• And how do you adapt?
• What do you do to make sex enjoyable?
  How do you change things, modify things to make them work for you?
• How do you create new ways to find sexual pleasure?
  What do you do that you’ve never seen anywhere else?
• Do you feel like you’re the only one who does (a certain something/a certain way)?
• What do you do? What do your partner(s) do?
• And how does it feel?
  What do you experience, what is going on in your body and mind, from start to finish?
• Do you orgasm? How easy or hard is it to reach it? Is it important to you to orgasm?
• What is it about sex that you enjoy? What is it that makes it worthwhile?
• How important is sex to your life?
  How much do you want it? have it?
• Has media portrayal of sex affected you? Societal attitudes?
  What have you seen or heard, been told, been treated like?
• What have you gone through in seeking health care for sex-related issues?
• Do you have any other stories or experiences?

I do prefer that entries not simply be answers to the above questions survey-style; I want to hear your experience in your words. Tell me a story — write me a poem — paint me a picture — however your experiences are best expressed.

Again: All answers will be anonymous. I will not attach any names, even pseudonyms, to these entries; they will simply be presented as they are.

To contribute, click here.

The link should take you to a page with one text box and one line for your email (which is optional).

If you need to contact me:
My email is amndaw (skip the second “a” in my name) AT gmail DOT com.
Alternatively, just use the form above to say “Hey, email me back!” making sure to provide your email address.

A few more notes:

If your contribution is anything other than unformatted text, contact me (see above) and I will work things out with you. For example:
If text formatting is important to your piece, you can send me an Office/OpenOffice document.
If you wish to express yourself in visual media, you can send me a still image of any file type — I will do any conversion necessary to display in a web browser.
If you prefer to create a video, you can send me the video file (I can point you to services for sending large files if need be, or I can help you upload it to an anonymous account for this purpose).

If there is anything in your piece that can potentially identify you (especially recorded image, video and audio), and you are absolutely comfortable with that, that is fine — but I prefer that anonymity to remain the default, so that more people feel safe and comfortable in contributing.

A tentative due date for submission will be Saturday, June 13, 2009. That gives you roughly two weeks. If you want to contribute, but that time frame does not work for you, contact me and I will see what we can do to make things work.

[shameless] Link around!! The more entries, the better. [/shameless] :-)

Thanks so much to everyone!

abbyjean has some questions:

this post may be a little inside baseball for those who aren’t active in the feminist blogosphere, but i think its an issue that translates. what to do when a big and influential blog or writer consistently posts things that are offensive, or marginalizing, or just plain stupid? is it better to stay part of the discussion to offer corrections and insights and laternatives, or is it better to save up your limited sanity points and bail on the forum all together?

i’m thinking primarily of the feministing blog here. it’s a huge feminist blog, probably the biggest general feminist blog, and it gets a whole lot of traffic. however, it puts forth a primarily white primarily non-disabled primarily cis-gendered primarily middle/upper class view of feminism, either by eliding those issues to the point of invisibility or by explicitly dismissing them. there was (and still is, afaik) a call for trans people to boycott feministing because of the way they handle trans issues, especially the comments in this particularly nasty thread. just this morning, there was a post about sotomayor that denied the intersectionality of her race and gender in the critiques of her nomination. and a recent comments thread in which people admonished as ableist for using the term “lame” whined about being oprressed by the P.C. police.

as a result, i’ve dropped feministing from my blog reader. i was annoyed more often than i was informed. it made me feel disappointment, rather than kinship, with the feminist community on that site.

but. then i see people like renee trying to make a point about the racial politics on the blog and getting totally shut down and dismissed and attacked by fellow commenters for making a good point that needed to be made. and i think about how much bullshit she is opening herself up to just for asking why the one feministing blogger of color is always the one to post about historic events of importance to people of color. and i feel like i should be there, supporting her, supporting those critiques. especially because feministing is such a big and prominent site and it can often serve as one of the introductions to the feminist blogosphere. i started there before i discovered womanist musings and the curvature and questioning transphobia and the like.

so – am i a better ally by refusing to engage with problematic forums, or by participating in those forums to offer relevant critiques? i still don’t know.

And this post is going to ramble in a slightly different direction than Abby is going here, so bear with me.

I think there are a couple of different things going on here and it’s worth trying to tease them out:

1. engagement with a space that is hostile, indifferent, or even just a mixed bag when it comes to an identity group you are a part of

2. engagement with a space that is hostile/indifferent/mixedbag when it comes to an identity group you are not a part of

1.

It comes down to a bottom line of five words: are you up for it?

It is a decision based 100% on what you personally feel you can do. You are doing what work you can, in any number of areas in life; you are not obligated to be there for every stupid word uttered by every clue-challenged person out there. You can engage if and when you feel up to it. It’s your decision whether 1) this is a time pushback should happen and 2) you feel like you can handle being the one to do it.

There is never a time where it is acceptable, in a situation where a privileged person does something stupid &/or harmful, to hold the person harmed to account for it. The onus us on the privileged person to not do that stupid/harmful shit. Not on you to somehow miraculously be up for every fight.

Sometimes, the fight will make some measure of difference, and sometimes it won’t. Sometimes, you can take that fight, and sometimes, you can’t. Or don’t feel like it. You can fight the good fight, even if it isn’t going to go down in the history books. Or you can skip it, and save your energy for other things — from another fight, in another place, on down the line — or for a hot bath later that night. You have a responsibility to you and yours; when it comes to collective responsibilities, where there is a conflict between one’s immediate, personal life and one’s group identity, the rule is: blame for any damage incurred falls solely to whoever the person/group is that you would be fighting. The ones who did that stupid shit in the first place.

2.

As a friend or ally, a person with privilege but who cares for justice for an unprivileged group, there really is no easy answer. Sometimes, there isn’t anything you can “just do” to make the problem better.

(Remember, you are a person with an obligation to do right by others — not a superhuman taking on the noble burden of saving the poor helpless Other. The difference between the two is that the latter makes the privileged person who the story’s about — the former removes the privileged person from the center of the conversation.)

Certainly, the privileged person’s choice to abandon a venue with a history of problems is a choice based in immediacy: it makes things easier for you; it relieves you of having to face those uncomfortable moments.

It does not follow, however, that the privileged person is obligated to stay at that venue and keep fighting. It’s not that simple, not that easy.

And this is where we must understand the importance of roles in the struggle for justice. Because there are many different roles to play, many different approaches to take, many different areas to address.

We — as a world of all people –need to keep each other alive,
need to free us from violence and hatred,
put food on our tables,
ensure our health,
keep our families together.
We need to strengthen our communities,
treat each other with respect and empathy,
accept difference, accept similarity,
but place no moral weight on one over the other.
We need to fight against hostile attitudes,
push back against stereotypes,
break out of confining narratives.
We need to examine and deconstruct
privilege
power
oppression
We need to know what they are and how they work
and we need everyone else to know it too.
Because, as much damage as you can still do as a person who understands these things, there’s no way there will be widespread change until many more people understand them too.

Here’s the thing — the immediate and the collective both need help.

So, it is useful to get in there, when someone says something stupid, and explain why that thing they said was so doggone stupid.

Even if it isn’t at some international press conference. Even if it isn’t many people. Even if your feeling is that those people aren’t going to go on to be murderers or congresspeople or someone who does something Big.
Even if it’s just you and that guy down the street. Or you and that ass on a message board.

Because if we eschew all action that isn’t Big Enough, will we ever do anything? If we give up because we can’t Make It All Go Away, In Just One Easy Step, are we doing anyone any good?

HOWEVER. And this is one great fucking big However.

If a person without your privilege takes you to task — personally or indirectly — because you’re sitting over there squabbling with Joe Know-Nothing down the street when sie is still hurting — you take that.

Sie might need food on the table, or affordable health care, or safety from violence. Or sie might want more attention on this court case, or help getting this piece of legislation passed. Or sie might want financial help to get this community project started. Or sie might want more direct engagement with hir, rather than talking amongst your privileged selves as those sie (and those like her) just don’t exist. Or sie might want more people to fight the good fight in another venue, for any number of reasons –

Sie has the right to be angry with you for not spending energy in the places sie feels are best. Because sie has the ultimate right to determine what makes an actual gdamn difference to hir.

That might put you in a bit of a bind. Because there isn’t any one easy thing you can Just Do and know that you’re doing the right thing and no one can be anything less than satisfied with you for it. There just isn’t.

So do you stick with it? Or say fuck it and quit (that particular venue)?

Well. In that case, you make a decision based on what you feel you can personally do best. You make a decision. And it is what it is. And you move on.

I don’t think this is quite what Abby was looking for — it’s not a practical answer, information that makes it easy to make that actual particular decision.

I think, mostly, it’s just that I never see this point being made: that we should all know that it doesn’t matter what we do, things will still be fucked up and we will still have responsibility.

But that’s not a call to apathy or despair. And it’s not an exoneration.

It’s just trying to remind us that we aren’t the center of this conversation. Do what you gotta do. It might be a hard choice (for me, feministing is an easy choice, but feministe is a hard one; that might be different for different people). And you live with the implications. Just know that it’s not going to tie up neatly in the end. That’s how things go.

The domain name expired for a short time. I have now renewed it, so 3rf is here to stay for at least another year. If you had trouble accessing the site in the last week, that’s why — but everything is taken care of.

I went through a moderate redesign a couple months back. I think it is prettier. If you read from a feed reader and haven’t been to the site in awhile, click through!

Watch the video:

Listen without interruption. (Embedding disabled, you have to click through.)

There are so many times, so many situations, where this song is just the right medicine. Listen. And then watch the video. It provides the right context (despite the annoying interruptions), but most of all the video is simply captivating.

Every time this song comes up on my playlist, my mind just stops and I escape into that video for two minutes.

And then I go back and play it again.

“I’m Not Like Everybody Else” (The Kinks)

I won’t take all that they hand me down,
and make out a smile, though I wear a frown,
and I won’t take it all lying down,
’cause once I get started I go to town.

’cause I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

And I don’t want to ball about like everybody else,
and I don’t want to live my life like everybody else,
and I won’t say that I feel fine like everybody else,
’cause Im not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

But darling, you know that I love you true,
do anything that you want me to,
confess all my sins like you want me to,
there’s one thing that I will say to you,
I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else
and I don’t want to ball about like everybody else,
and I don’t want to live my life like everybody else,
and I won’t say that I feel fine like everybody else,
’cause I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

Like everybody else,
Like everybody else,
Like everybody else,
Like everybody else.

If you all want me to settle down,
slow up and stop all my running round,
do everything like you want me to,
there’s one thing that I will say to you,
I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.
and I don’t want to ball about like everybody else,
and I don’t want to live my life like everybody else,
and I won’t say that I feel fine like everybody else,
’cause I’m not like everybody else,
I’m not like everybody else.

Like everybody else (like everybody else),
Like everybody else (like everybody else),
Like everybody else (like everybody else),
Like everybody else.

It was a last-minute decision Friday night. My husband snagged two tickets to the Penguins-Capitals games at Verizon Center in Washington, DC and the next morning we started the five hour drive.

It was a great experience — I love the DC area and I was excited to go back. But five hours in a car makes for stiff muscles, and I was already dealing with some endo flareup. So I was dealing with spasms and pain even with my TENS on (here’s the trick: if you have a big bag, security doesn’t bother patting you down when you enter) and more painkillers than I should have taken.

We had nosebleed seats but whatever, they were seats. It was a great game, even though we lost. It’s hard not to enjoy an NHL playoff game. Especially being able to whisper at each other about the clueless fans behind us who had several amusing misconceptions about how the game is played. (It’s fairly doubtful that the linesmen are biased in calling off-sides. It’s one of the most objective and least arguable calls there is. But “they only ever seem to see ours!”)

Throughout the game, the people behind us kept tapping my shoulder and yelling at me for leaning forward. They “couldn’t see.” Of course, everyone else in the section was leaning forward, and I couldn’t see without doing it too. But most of all, my back was killing me, and doubling over stretches the muscles in a way that helps relieve some pain. (Ask mattw — I sleep in the same damn position.) I tried sitting back for part of the second period but couldn’t last.

After a few times of them tapping me, toward the end of the game, I turned around when they tapped again and stuttered, loudly, wide-eyed and annoyed, “I have a disability — in — back in a lot of pain –”

and they sneered and threw up their hands at me. So I turned back around.

I was steaming inside. I complained to mattw on our way out when the game was over, noting that my TENS was turned up all the way and I’d already taken way too much medicine. And when we reached the bottom of one escalator, the couple behind me tapped my shoulder and the middle-aged bearded guy said, with a smile, “They meant it nicely.”

There are several things going on here. We were wearing Penguins shirts at a Capitals game, and there’s a budding rivalry there. It’s a playoff game, and there’s the whole MVP debate going on (Malkin vs. Ovechkin), so of course it’s contentious. I severely doubt they would have bothered me if I’d been wearing red & blue rather than black & gold. So I understand it. All in good fun, in that respect. A little rivalry can make the sport more fun.

It’s a national sports game, though. At a huge arena. Some people pay attention to the game. Those people might lean left, right, forward, backward, so on. And as long as they aren’t standing up all the time, or wearing a very tall hat or something, that’s accepted, and you work around it. You lean one way or the other to get a better view. People move around as the puck moves around the ice to see better. You move too. And when things are really tense, they probably scoot closer to the edge of their seat and lean forward. So you do the same. And at the very end of the game, people often stand up. Which means you stand up too. IOW, it’s a rather ridiculous thing to complain about, no less multiple times, and angrily (not politely).

Finally, their reaction mattered. When I spilled out why I kept leaning forward, they didn’t do what I expected — look away awkwardly and quiet down as though nothing was ever said. I’m used to that. But instead, they kept gesturing and yelling at me.

That’s what’s so frustrating. It’s not respected at all. Or only respected for so long as it has to be — when you have any reason no matter how trivial to discount that person’s experience or opinion, respect goes out the window. People with disabilities are “protected” in this society only insofar as they are nonthreatening. And that protection is paternalism at its extreme. But that’s a separate issue. When they aren’t subjects of protection, they are objects of harassment.

It isn’t the worst case of harassment I’ve had related to my disabilities, but it bothered me.